Oh, the complete and utter indignity

I have mentioned I share my room with a nice French lady. She had had an operation on her ankle to remove a small spur of bone which was causing her extreme pain. She was a nice lady and took the time to chat and talk about nothing in particular.

Well I had witnessed her having to use the bed pan. The nurses were fairly adamant that no-one should attempt to get out of bed to go to the toilet post op. My neighbour was fairly succcessful in her attempts to go "pee pee". She merely had an ankle operation but try doing the same with after an operation to a crucial part of the anatomy when it comes to using a bed pan - the buttock and thigh. Jeez it was impossible to start with. At first I thought I wanted to go, well it was expected of me and post-op one of the things they make you do - a successful piddle. But I couldn't. It just wouldn't come. They tried a female urinal but with some nurse standing next to you shoving a plastic thing into your crotch it was NEVER going to happen!!

Eventually, I "mounted" the regular bed pan and the nurse left me alone and I managed, somehow, to produce a dribble. The sensation when using a bedpan is horrible. You can't really tell if your aim is true and you can feel the piddle go in places it does not normally go. Not nice. Then you have to balance on it to clean yourself. Well, mission completed at least.

It gets worse....

A nice nurse come breezing in - "time for your toilette" she says. OMG what is this going to involve? Well, a lot of gritting of teeth and thinking of England is all I can say. Those with a delicate disposition need read no further...

Toilette is the time when you wash. Whilst you are washing they take the opportunity to change be sheets etc. Well needless to say as I was attached to all sorts of tubes I was not going to be able to get out of bed so the bed was changed around me.

Also there is ZILCH privacy, no curtain nothing to separate you from your voisine....

The first thing Nursey did was untuck all the sheets, then took off my hospital gown. The she went to find my grooming equipment which does not bear up to her exacting standards. Only bath towels and no hand towels, no wash glove. She filled a bowl with water and proceeded to wash me, quite literally HEAD TO TOE. Believe me, no crevice went unwashed. And all this in front of my roommate and several other nurses.

The all time worse part was when they had to roll me on my side to wash my back (I had the epidural pump attached) and to put clean sheets onto the bed. That was scary and extraordinarily painful. Don't be afraid Nursey says. Easier said than bloody done. Breathe she says - how can I breathe when I haven't the foggiest idea what they are going to do next? Then I was rolled back onto my operated on side ARRRGGGHHHHH!!! PAIN!!!!

The bed was made around me. They decided I was too tall for my bed and wanted to move me further up the bed so 3 nurses all grabbed a bit of bedsheet and I grabbed the bar above my head and we attempted to "otch" up the bed with limited success.

I donned the now familiar hossie robe and then my poor tired legs were squeezed into the "bas de contention" - super strength support tights designed to help prevent DVT etc.

That day passed, dozing, waiting for a visit but quite pleasantly dosed up with medication.